7 months? what?

Wow, it has been a long time. And since I last wrote, so much has happened. Well not really happened I guess, changed.

I did the Whole Life Challenge… twice, sort of. Lost some fat, gained some muscle, celebrated the end of my weight loss journey… put a bit back on, felt bad about it briefly then decided I didn’t care, continued on my way being the strong, healthy, fit, committed, focused, and not-quite-confident-but-working-really-hard-on-it person that I am. Because that’s enough.

Still madly in love with CrossFit. It briefly faltered a little bit – got stuck in the comparison trap – but have mostly pulled myself out of that.

A chiropractor discovered a subluxation/misalignment in my pelvis/spine which explains my injuries, so I am working on fixing that, and all is going well. Managed to run without shin pain recently which was massive! I feel like I’m lifting a bit better since having regular treatments too, so I’m feeling pretty positive about all of that.

I’ve been on annual leave for almost three weeks now, and it has been incredible. We went overseas, to Malaysia, which was ok. Then we went to Western Australia, which was great. I’ve had a bit of time at home which has been almost even greater! Having some space from work has done absolute wonders for me. I can see things a lot more clearly… I can see what I should NOT be putting up with, and how bad putting up with said things has been for me. I was ridiculously stressed out leading up to my holidays. Crying in the toilets, hating life. Forgetting to eat. Not wanting to eat. Going home still thinking about work, waking up thinking about work. I wasn’t myself, and I don’t want to go back to the office on Tuesday and drift back towards the horrible place that I was in… So something needs to change or I’m not going to last much longer.

A quote comes to mind…

“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person that walked in. That’s what the storm is all about.”

I guess it’s corny but I’ve had a few weeks of shelter from the storm, I’ve had a breather. Now I gotta go back in, but having a break from it has given me a whole new perspective… should I even be in the storm? Is there something I could be doing to protect myself from it?

Another one comes to mind…

“We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.”

I just need to figure out what adjusting the sails entails. How I can stand to stay in that office and do my job and do it well.

I got this done yesterday. I’ve wanted it for so long, and I am so so so happy with it.

FullSizeRender

The deeper the mud, the more beautiful the lotus blooms.

I choose strength…

I choose to emerge from the concealed depths, to the gleaming luminescence, and become stronger. I decide to courageously survive, not drown in pain, conflict, imperfections and heartbreak. 

I was sitting with my Dad a couple of days ago, and he was talking about how quickly time goes. Then he told me not to waste it. To fill it with things I’ll remember, make memories, learn about things, don’t just work and come home and repeat… because “zap”. It’ll all be gone. It was pretty crazy timing, considering what’s been going on in my head lately.

So that’s what I want to focus on. Filling my life with things I’ll remember. The first thing that came to mind when Dad said that was volunteering, doing a bit more for the world around me. So I’ve registered for a volunteer information session at Sacred Heart, helping to feed the homeless and put on weekly BBQs for the elderly. I’ve planted a herb garden and done a few bits and pieces around the house; I need this to be somewhere nice to come home to at the end of the day, not just a place where I eat and sleep that needs tidying and cleaning all the time. I’m learning about World War 2, reading more, watching more documentaries instead of staring at fluffy sitcoms at night. Feeding my brain.

I’m no longer bothering with forced friendships. I simply don’t have time for that anymore.

I’m spending more time with my family, getting to know them I suppose. I lost my grandmother in July and have since been learning so much about her, and there is so much deep, deep regret. I feel like I could have learned so much from her. I feel like I would be a different (better?) person if she was a bigger part of my life. I want to appreciate my family while I have them.

Anyway. Sleepy now. Just wanted to get a bunch of stuff out so that this time next week when I’m almost back in the swing of things with work, and probably feeling like shit, I can read back and remember how I feel right now. Inspired, motivated, like I’ve stepped out of the box I had trapped myself in and seen there is a world outside of the office. And it’s beautiful, and I want to be in it.

Rehab Log

Keeping track of my progress… just in case

24/08/15

15 min walk / 5 min run / 10 min walk

Felt fine… no pain afterwards, no calf tightness. Tried to focus on technique but found it hard to avoid heel strike. Looked at Garmin later and my cadence was quite low.

Got sick and didn’t run for a week.

31/08/15

15 min walk / 5 min run / 10 min walk

Felt good, was easier to avoid heel strike. Calves started to feel tight.

01/09/15

CrossFit – didn’t do any running. Did a small amount of jumping in warm-up.

02/09/15

CrossFit – 400m run in warm-up, no jumping. Calf cramps during hang cleans. Did some foam rolling.

03/09/15

Rest

Started to notice increase in shin tenderness.

04/09/15

Rest

Needed to ice shins, a few mild shooting pains in middle of right shin.

Continued to rest shins for a few days, scaled WODs etc. Foam rolled a couple of times.

09/09/15

Ran 5 x 100m at CrossFit as part of the WOD. Felt a few little niggles while running. Foam rolled for a while after the workout and iced when I got home. Spoke to Mark about running technique – he said I am a very “flat” runner, I almost look like I’m on an elliptical machine at the gym. Need to raise my knees more, then I won’t be so inclined to land on my heel. He showed me the difference between landing on toes VS. heels by jumping on the spot… can totally understand why I’ve been in pain! Thinking of maybe doing some running drills.

just a little bit of then versus now…

Trying really hard to stay motivated and focused at the moment, I haven’t been able to train much this month and now I’m sick so my weight loss has come to a stand still… I got a new app on my phone that has broken down my main goal into smaller goals, and it says I’m currently working towards step 6 of 8, which is 70.8kg… I’m 14% of the way apparently 🙂 so for now I am just going to concentrate on getting to 70.8kg, I don’t need to think any further than that 🙂 I’ll just chip away, making good choices and drinking lots of water. Dug out my Fitbit again too so I’ll start trying to up my steps a little bit…

Oh, I’m on a(nother) “return to running” plan from my latest physio too, speaking of steps… I’m skeptical 😦 but if I really concentrate on my form, get my foot strike/cadence/posture right, I guess in theory I should be able to get it right. I am quietly hopeful that I can do the 5km at Melbourne Marathon, which will be weird because this time last year the “maybe I could do a marathon” thoughts were creeping in… we’ll see. I just kind of feel like my shins are fucked. But I’ll try to stay positive.

The other night when I was driving home from training I had a random thought. I guess I was thinking about the future, thinking about when I’m 40 or whatever, and I thought about kids and how I hoped Daniel & I would have our own home and would we still be traveling etc etc etc… and then I thought about how I *used* to picture myself in the future. The first thing I would always think of, was the fact that I would be “skinny”… and it almost ended there. It was my main priority. And then I’d sigh and hope somehow it would magically happen because I sure as shit wasn’t doing ANYTHING to make it happen for myself… I longed to lose weight, I wanted it more than anything, it overpowered my thoughts at times. Everything was going to be better when I lost weight. And now I’ve done it… And I still find myself obsessing and agonising about a bit of belly fat and soft hips… perspective, Nads! I would’ve done anything for the body I have now, back then.

19  aa

photo copy 2  crossfitpic

In saying that though, I’m not happy where I am now… I know I can do better than this. And so I am going to continue to work towards my goal.

Step it up Nads!

Time to get cracking again. I’ve been struggling a little bit in the last couple of weeks, but no more excuses!

  • Week 1 (18 July) – 74 kg
  • Week 2 (25 July) – 73.8 kg
  • Week 3 (1 August) – 72.2 kg
  • Week 4 (8 August) – 71.8 kg
  • Week 5 (15 August) – 71.8 kg
  • Week 6 (22 August) – 71.8 kg

I don’t need to make it a big thing… just make the best possible food choices, drink my water, go to CrossFit. Simple. Just keep cruising along… get it done.

I’m floating in the most peculiar way

(subject totally not relevant to post, it’s just been a Bowie kinda day!)

I’ve been mostly on track again since my last post. I’m down a little over 2kg since starting the challenge thingy… I dropped that weight within the first 2 weeks and it has plateaued since as I’ve slacked off a bit, but I’m really really hoping for 3kg by the end of this month. My body is definitely changing and it is so exciting. I’ve had a little setback with a shoulder injury which is making training hard but it’s not going to stop me entirely. I’m seeing the number 69 everywhere, I know, it’s a very noticable number 😉 but I’m taking that a sign from the universe that this time I am going to get this shit done. Sixty nine kilos, you are mine.

Anyway, a few annoying slip ups this weekend and I need to break it down and figure out how to avoid it happening next week… So what happened?

Friday night we went out for dinner, as we finally had a weekend where we were both home. I was feeling really flat about my new and existing injuries, so I had a glass of wine. For dinner I chose mashed potatoes, spinach and grilled seafood. Not terrible. Creamy mash, oily sauce, but it’s Friday, I’ve been good, it’s fine. Then Saturday morning I had a piece of toast with peanut butter and banana, before heading out for coffee and to CF. A nice little bready treat; I planned on being good for the rest of the weekend. Daniel suggested we go to the ice hockey. I managed to stay away from SO many temptations; hot chips, alcohol, chocolate bars… I had a pack of nuts and dried fruit from a vending machine and figured the little white chocolate drops had to be better than a full chocolate bar or bucket of chips. We decided to stop for dinner on the way home at a Malaysian restaurant, where I chose an entree of soup and then gado gado for my main (which is essentially a giant pile of vegetables, a boiled egg and satay sauce). Not too bad. I promised myself I would have a good Sunday to make up for a few little no-big-deal non-compliances…

HAHAHA.

This morning I had a sensible breakfast of paleo muesli with chopped banana. Then for no real reason, half an English muffin with cacao & peanut spread, before we head into the city to meet friends and see the David Bowie exhibition.

When we got into the city I had a headache. Probably because I’d had NO water all day. I got a coffee, and a cafe muffin. I felt better, and promised myself I’d have a light lunch involving vegetables.

When we left ACMI, I received a text that rattled me a little. My mood dropped, and my mind drifted to all the little things that aren’t going my way at the moment. I found myself in a very negative headspace. Our friends were getting Lord of the Fries for lunch, so we followed. I thought there was a sushi place nearby, and thought of getting a couple of brown rice handrolls and some seaweed salad, but I couldn’t see the place, I couldn’t be bothered looking, sooo I got a spicy burger and a regular side of sweet potato fries. Oh, only about 1000 calories, heaps of shitty processed carbs in the bun, gross cheese that I didn’t even want but didn’t think to ask them to exclude, and plenty of saturated fat and salt. This was my huge mistake of the weekend and why I ended up in bed for 4 hours that afternoon with a terrible stomach ache, that actually hasn’t gone away yet. It’s why I didn’t get my groceries done today.

Dinner wasn’t even dinner tonight. English muffins, strawberries, almonds. Did NOT want to cook.

What could I have done differently? What should I do differently next time?

Next weekend I will…

Stick to my normal breakfasts. Eat creamy delicious oats, make an omelette with bacon and mushrooms and spinach, eat paleo muesli with fruit, make coconut flour pancakes smothered with cacao and peanut spread. Do not start the day with bread, it just sets a shitty precedence for the whole day! Bread makes my stomach feel AWFUL. I need to remember this. Bread is not good to me.

Plan ahead. If i know I’m going somewhere, I need to know what I’m going to eat. That’s just how it is for now. Eventually i’ll be able to “wing it” but I can’t with my current goals! This weekend I’m going to Geelong for my naturopath appointment, so I’ll be a giant dork and pack a banana and some almonds or something to keep me going until I can come home and MAKE LUNCH! Then when I catch up with Liz on Sunday and we have a cafe lunch together (which will not involve bread) I can feel better about having something that I haven’t made myself. This weekend was pretty spontaneous but I think I could have handled it much better. When we left ACMI and I got that message and my mood plummeted, I could have just taken a moment to think about my goals and what the last couple of weeks have been like, and tried to get back into that headspace. I might not have even reacted the way I did if I hadn’t eaten that sugary muffin before the exhibition, who knows. I’m starting to think that food has more power over my mood and emotions than I give it credit for.

Stay focused. I don’t work my butt off all week to eat the best possible foods and be active, just to let it all unravel on the weekends. This is a lifestyle choice, this is what I have chosen for myself. I am not someone who shovels shit into my mouth anymore and I’m not someone who can sit around for days not doing anything. I know how much better I feel when I eat clean – I feel like Wonder Woman! I need to remember Weekday Nadia when the weekend rolls around 😛

Ok, I feel better now that I’ve looked at my weekend with a bit more objectivity… It’s going to be a good week, because I am going to make it good! I’ll get good news from the physio tomorrow about my shoulder, and I will start to get some relief. Then I’ll survive the horrible thing I have to do for work on Tuesday… I’ll do lots of squats and sit-ups and cycling, and I won’t get upset watching people WOD, because it won’t be too long until I can join in again… I’m resting and doing everything I’m supposed to do, so of course it won’t. Then I’ll get more good news from the naturopath on Saturday about my shins, he will be very happy that I’ve been following his instructions, and it’ll show in how much my healing has progressed. Sunday I will do 1000 steps with Liz and have a long, lazy lunch while we talk about life. Yep, it’s going to be a good week 🙂 🙂 🙂

This is where I (would normally) give up

I want to work on my mental strength…

I try really hard to be positive, see the good in situations, not complain. I think I’ve gotten better, but sometimes it feels like it’s just a part of me. I talk about things that I feel like talking about and then realise how negative I sound. It almost comes naturally, but I don’t want it to. I don’t know how to undo this… it’s almost like programming.

I think it’s why I tend to give up on things so easily… I can’t seem to hold onto a positive mindset. I have lasted about 2 weeks with this clean eating thing I’ve been doing, and slowly but surely I’ve felt it myself weakening bit by bit, and now i’ve almost let go and lost interest. I have felt SO good about my body the last few days, I feel like my shape has changed, I’ve gotten smaller, I feel lighter and fitter and more energised. So why the fuck would I want to go back to eating chocolate at work and pigging out when I’m alone after dinner? I haven’t felt hungry or deprived… I’ve had cravings but they’ve passed… It hasn’t been easy, but it has always felt “doable”.

So why should I stop?

Why don’t I do it differently this time?

Why don’t I keep going? And just see what happens…?

It’ll be something I’ve never done before… it’ll be the next level for me.

Why not?

Ada Noreen Hackett

I’m feeling absolutely amazing at the moment. Maybe the best I’ve ever felt!

Why? I’m glad you asked!

Well, it starts with something pretty awful actually…

My grandma passed away. It’s still weird to say that. My grandma, who lived in WA and I didn’t see for 18 years, died on Tuesday the 7th of July, aged 92. She had liver cancer, and she died a week and a half after diagnoses. She lived for 92 years. And she did SO much. It was really inspiring listening to her eulogy. She really, truly lived.

The whole experience has been intense. Mum sent me a text on that Tuesday afternoon, asking me to come over after work. I knew straight away that grandma had died. That very same Tuesday, I was supposed to be flying back from Perth into Melbourne after spending a few days with grandma before she went. But I got a cold, and my aunty asked me not to come as I would just get everyone sick. So I didn’t, and she died before I could see her. It was May 1997 when I saw her last and when Mum told me that she had gone… how do I even explain it. It was like every little bit of regret & guilt that I had been pushing down with every year that passed without seeing her, it manifested and bubbled up somewhere inside of me and it hurt like crazy. I cried, but I held it together and made plans for everyone, booking flights and finding a nice peaceful place to stay and sorting out logistics… Mum, Dad and I flew over on Monday morning. Thankfully I was upgraded to business and had some time to mentally prepare for the next few days.

Walking into the church on the day of her funeral, with a single photo of her sitting on top of a simple coffin – pine coloured with gold handles, that guilt and regret came up a little further. It’s a weird feeling, grief. And it was so new to me… It wasn’t like being sad or anxious about a problem in life… it was like a deep, uncontrollable sadness that would come in waves at unexpected times, and I found that I couldn’t push it down. When I was upset about grandma, that’s all there was. The service was very religious, and I focused on being there for my Dad… oh, seeing him cry. That was another thing. I’d never seen that before, especially not that sort of crying… the shuddering, devastated type of crying. It was so hard, and I don’t know if I helped. But I hope I did.

When I carried her coffin to the car with my cousins and my father, it ALL came out. I ran into my mum’s arms like a child the very second her coffin was inside, and I sobbed. Really, really sobbed. It was horrible. I knew people were looking at me but I couldn’t stop it. Later on, sitting inside during morning tea, a really sweet old man came up to me and asked if I was Noreen’s granddaughter, and said “You’re not taking it too well, are you?” (in a nice way – it looks kind of harsh written down like that). I said no, not really. I couldn’t bear to tell him that I wasn’t crying because we were close. I was crying because I was so crushed that I didn’t get to know such an incredibly strong, smart, independent, inspiring woman. My tears were pure regret. He made me a cup of tea, and I managed to have something to eat, but the sadness didn’t go.

My aunty assures me that grandma knew I loved her, and the letters we exchanged before Daniel and I got married meant the world to her. She had our wedding announcement framed in her library, and she was laughing and telling stories about me with my aunty days before she passed away. That’s all I can hold onto now.

There were a few little moments throughout the week that hit me in the feels, not just grandma’s funeral… having coffee with my dad while watching the sun come up, just the two of us and the most spectacular view… Getting to know my cousins. Hugs from my aunty. Appreciating my mum, and letting her be there for me… Finding out how much of my personality actually comes from my dad’s side; it almost feels like some of who I am has been explained to me. It was such a rich and memorable week. Sad, exhausting, but a lot of positives came out of it.

I’ve come back feeling so much different… I guess I have some perspective… and I feel like I have a clearer picture of how I want to live my life. And that means making a few changes, the first thing being how I react to the stress of my job. I’ve become a lot calmer already. What’s the point of being stressed out and putting pressure on myself all the time? I’m still not sleeping great, and thinking about work over the weekend, but I’ll work on that. At least during the day, when I’m there in the thick of it, I’m coping better.

I’ve also decided that I don’t want to waste my time forcing friendships… I’ve wasted my time on the wrong people for too long… trying to fit in with people that I actually have nothing in common with, or people I have outgrown (or vice versa, of course). I thrive on deep, meaningful conversations about life so why bother with small talk… Why spend time with people who don’t excite me, or even make me feel good? I don’t have time for that anymore. I know what kind of people I want around me, and I won’t settle for less.

I’m not really sure why, but the experience has made me more motivated to train and eat well… I guess I just want to look after my body as best I can. I’m embracing CrossFit more than ever – breaking through mental barriers, giving a little more during my workouts, going a little heavier, having a little more faith in myself. I’m also currently doing a food challenge thingy with some of the girls there which is going really well. I feel great. I’m clear headed, more energetic, my belly is happy, I’m less anxious, my skin looks better… The challenge goes for another 3 weeks, but I don’t think I’ll change much when it’s over! I’m SO MUCH BETTER without bread! And I love black coffee. I’m thinking this is how I want to eat… I want to be a healthy, fit, strong woman 🙂

I’m listening to more music again… I plan on doing more reading… Less screen time… I would LOVE to spend more time writing or drawing, getting a bit creative like I used to.

I guess hanging out with the other side of my family, who are a bit more intellectual/creative etc, has made me see the part of myself that I’ve lost over the years…

Anyway, 1200 words… Time for tea & bed… ❤

xx

So you wanna be a champion? (My first 6 weeks of CrossFit)

I think I’ve progressed a lot in the last week or two, and felt inspired to write a few words about my CrossFit journey so far 🙂

I was 3 months into that stupid running injury when I finally decided to give it a proper go. I’d heard of it, I’d trained with a CrossFit coach before (puked both times and was scared away!), I vaguely knew what it was all about. I turned up at the ‘box’ for an intro class at the end of February and felt nervous, scared, kinda sick, and wanted to run away as soon as we pulled up… The box was in the industrial area of Bacchus Marsh, and was essentially a big garage with brick walls and rubber flooring. There were ropes hanging from the ceiling and tough looking people hanging from the ropes. The walls were lined with barbells, plates, and approximately seven billion kettle bells… There were no windows. No mirrors. Heavy music playing in the background. “3, 2, 1…” painted on one of the walls and a heap of rowers and bikes piled in a corner. This was not a gym. I was definitely not in Kansas anymore…

The coach introduced himself and I immediately noticed he had a black eye.

Where the fuck am I right now? What am I doing here?

I was intimidated by the whole experience at first, but the coach (Mark) was super friendly, explained everything really well and that intimidation wore off pretty quickly.

Mark showed us through some basic movements and we did a 6 minute AMRAP (“as many reps as possible”) to get a feel for how the workouts are structured. It was sit-ups, push-ups and squats. I immediately clicked into this weird competitive mode that I’d never really felt before (as someone who had grown up very inactive and then became a slow, middle/back of the pack runner) and I was determined to get a better time than Daniel (mission accomplished!).

I LOVED it.

Like, absolutely L O V E D it. A six minute workout gave me as big a rush as a thirty minute run and I knew right then and there, CrossFit was exactly what I needed to get me out of the shitty, miserable grey cloud I’d been stuck in since December.

The following week, I did one class. I remember the WOD perfectly because it was the same as the practise one we did (except it went for longer). “Champion” by Grinspoon was playing*. I now listen to that song (at high volume) to pump myself up before a class. It’s kinda my CrossFit song 😉

*THE MUSIC IS SO EFFING GOOD!!! Dropkick Murphys!!! Rise Against! Rancid! Old school Silverchair! Beastie Boys!!! Just another reason to love it 🙂

My second week, I upped it to two classes…

My third week, I did two classes and felt jittery and edgy, like I needed to lift something. What?!

Now… I feel like I need to do 4 classes a week AT LEAST. I’m planning things around CrossFit. Tomorrow night we’re going to a Comedy Festival gig and I’m excited because it starts at 9:45pm… plenty of time to do the 6:30pm class. I’m completely hooked.

I don’t miss running. I never thought I’d get to a point where I could say that. CrossFit gives me what running did, maybe even more…

I’ve replaced black toenails with callouses on my hands, and I love it… I also weirdly love the rubbery smell of my hands when I leave… and the chalk all over my clothes… and not knowing what the WOD is going to be until you get there, and the butterflies as you wait for the siren to go off… In. Love.

I’ve got CrossFit goals. I want to do a rope climb, do push ups on my toes, do an unassisted strict pull up, deadlift 100kg, do a double under, do a toe-to-bar, row 500m in under 2 minutes… the list goes on. It is just so much fun!!! 😀 oh, and I’m definitely going to do a Spartan race this year. DEFINITELY. Bring that shit on.

I’m getting more comfortable with the barbell movements, I don’t have to ask the coach which weights to use, I know what most of my maxes are and they are increasing. It feels so damn good.

Tonight Mark convinced me to do a headstand… I was scared. Really scared. I HATE being upside-down. And there is something about doing a handstand that just completely terrifies me (which is why I want to do it). I put my head on the pad thingy, put my hands where they needed to be, and kicked ever so slightly (he had to lift me the rest of the way because I was too shit-scared to put any power into it) and I stayed there for about 5 seconds. I hated it, my heart was pounding like crazy and before my legs were even straight I asked him if I could get back down. And meanwhile all around me were a pack of freaks giggling and doing handstand walks amongst themselves! But I achieved my goal!

This is what CrossFit is for me… it’s me with no excuses, no “I can’t” bullshit, no holding back (which is what running had become all about), I’m 110% out out of my comfort zone… It’s exactly what I needed 🙂

I’m finally ok.

Just a quick one because I desperately need to shower and go to bed… gotta get a few thoughts out first…

I truly, honestly don’t mind that I’m not running. I really don’t.

I’m totally fine with it.

FINALLY.

FINE.

I’m kinda finding it hard to remember why I loved it in the first place… Well no, that’s not true. I guess I just no longer feel that running did something for me that nothing else could possibly do… CrossFit gives me that sense of pride, achievement, and exhaustion. And it does, every single time I go. and I can go every day if I want to, because you’re not smashing the same muscles every time… You can do CrossFit and nothing else. You (or at least I) cannot run and do nothing else. That was disastrous!

Running just seems boring and complicated to me now. It stopped being this simple act of putting one foot in front of the other and became painful and such a huge effort, and there are too many things I would need to remember to do every day just to do it with minimal pain… how exactly is that worth it? When I can get the same high from CrossFit, and all the while get more toned and strong and fit and having more fun…?

It’s a no brainer really.

I’m even finding it easier to ignore the constant conversations around me, because there is no jealousy left. I don’t care. You ran a 5km PB? Good for you, that’s awesome. You must be getting fitter and that’s so great… for you. I could be doing that too, if I really truly wanted to. But I don’t… I just don’t.

What do I wanna do?

A rope climb.

A handstand.

Double unders!!!

Bring that shit on!!!!!!

I’m still teeing up with a running coach to fix my technique as I do want to participate in parkrun, or even do the few hundred metres that are involved in a lot of the CrossFit sessions, without worrying about how much pain I’m going to be in afterwards.

I don’t identify with being a “runner” anymore. Which is unfortunate; my subscription to Runners World comes to mind. I might call myself a runner again someday, but it’ll just be the odd 5km run and maybe 10km fun run. I won’t be taking things so seriously or running out in the cold dark night to train for things or any of that. Who knows what’s down the track after kids and whatever but at the moment I’m happy.

I’m finally ok.

Oops…

Ok, I slipped up a little…

I had a stressful day today. And an emotional one yesterday, so I’ve been feeling a bit flat/not caring so much.

Yesterday afternoon I drank a bottle of Moscato in the bath. It lifted my mood HUGELY and pulled me out of a day-long sob-fest so it was kind of worth it… I needed it… and didn’t even feel remotely guilty~ I have been that good with the whole “not beating myself up” thing! 🙂

At work today, I had two biscuits and two mini Easter eggs… not a huge deal… didn’t feel bad. Then after CrossFit tonight I had a large serve of chicken and veg curry for dinner, and then for no reason whatsoever I had a hot cross bun with butter, and two slices of cheese. Unnecessary and unneeded. I pushed past my limit and ate more than I needed to.

Oops!

Now I’m bloated and feeling gross… I can understand why I used to spiral after doing this… the bloatedness feels like actual fat gain, I almost feel like I’m in a different body than I woke up with. Like I’m 5kg heavier or something… It just feels gross. I can see why I used to declare myself a failure and jump off the wagon completely.

Not this time, though!

I will quite simply move on 🙂 Tomorrow I’ll do better. I’ll track my food properly and go for a walk in the evening, and make sure I meet my step goals. I’ll drink water and have a normal, healthy day… because that’s what I do now 🙂