7 months? what?

Wow, it has been a long time. And since I last wrote, so much has happened. Well not really happened I guess, changed.

I did the Whole Life Challenge… twice, sort of. Lost some fat, gained some muscle, celebrated the end of my weight loss journey… put a bit back on, felt bad about it briefly then decided I didn’t care, continued on my way being the strong, healthy, fit, committed, focused, and not-quite-confident-but-working-really-hard-on-it person that I am. Because that’s enough.

Still madly in love with CrossFit. It briefly faltered a little bit – got stuck in the comparison trap – but have mostly pulled myself out of that.

A chiropractor discovered a subluxation/misalignment in my pelvis/spine which explains my injuries, so I am working on fixing that, and all is going well. Managed to run without shin pain recently which was massive! I feel like I’m lifting a bit better since having regular treatments too, so I’m feeling pretty positive about all of that.

I’ve been on annual leave for almost three weeks now, and it has been incredible. We went overseas, to Malaysia, which was ok. Then we went to Western Australia, which was great. I’ve had a bit of time at home which has been almost even greater! Having some space from work has done absolute wonders for me. I can see things a lot more clearly… I can see what I should NOT be putting up with, and how bad putting up with said things has been for me. I was ridiculously stressed out leading up to my holidays. Crying in the toilets, hating life. Forgetting to eat. Not wanting to eat. Going home still thinking about work, waking up thinking about work. I wasn’t myself, and I don’t want to go back to the office on Tuesday and drift back towards the horrible place that I was in… So something needs to change or I’m not going to last much longer.

A quote comes to mind…

“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person that walked in. That’s what the storm is all about.”

I guess it’s corny but I’ve had a few weeks of shelter from the storm, I’ve had a breather. Now I gotta go back in, but having a break from it has given me a whole new perspective… should I even be in the storm? Is there something I could be doing to protect myself from it?

Another one comes to mind…

“We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.”

I just need to figure out what adjusting the sails entails. How I can stand to stay in that office and do my job and do it well.

I got this done yesterday. I’ve wanted it for so long, and I am so so so happy with it.

The deeper the mud, the more beautiful the lotus blooms.

I choose strength…

I choose to emerge from the concealed depths, to the gleaming luminescence, and become stronger. I decide to courageously survive, not drown in pain, conflict, imperfections and heartbreak. 

I was sitting with my Dad a couple of days ago, and he was talking about how quickly time goes. Then he told me not to waste it. To fill it with things I’ll remember, make memories, learn about things, don’t just work and come home and repeat… because “zap”. It’ll all be gone. It was pretty crazy timing, considering what’s been going on in my head lately.

So that’s what I want to focus on. Filling my life with things I’ll remember. The first thing that came to mind when Dad said that was volunteering, doing a bit more for the world around me. So I’ve registered for a volunteer information session at Sacred Heart, helping to feed the homeless and put on weekly BBQs for the elderly. I’ve planted a herb garden and done a few bits and pieces around the house; I need this to be somewhere nice to come home to at the end of the day, not just a place where I eat and sleep that needs tidying and cleaning all the time. I’m learning about World War 2, reading more, watching more documentaries instead of staring at fluffy sitcoms at night. Feeding my brain.

I’m no longer bothering with forced friendships. I simply don’t have time for that anymore.

I’m spending more time with my family, getting to know them I suppose. I lost my grandmother in July and have since been learning so much about her, and there is so much deep, deep regret. I feel like I could have learned so much from her. I feel like I would be a different (better?) person if she was a bigger part of my life. I want to appreciate my family while I have them.

Anyway. Sleepy now. Just wanted to get a bunch of stuff out so that this time next week when I’m almost back in the swing of things with work, and probably feeling like shit, I can read back and remember how I feel right now. Inspired, motivated, like I’ve stepped out of the box I had trapped myself in and seen there is a world outside of the office. And it’s beautiful, and I want to be in it.